Maggie A's Meanderings




June 17, 2011
Why "Birthers" Are Idiots

Even though coverage of the "Birther" controversy has died down, it doesn't change the fact that the Birthers are still out there. Two days before I decided to write this I found out a friend of mine is a Birther --- stubbornly one of the ones who still doesn't believe that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii even with the release of the long form birth certificate.

I didn't bother to try arguing with him. If an idea fits with his worldview, once he gets it in his head, it stays there. Facts are irrelevant. He still repeats that Rush Limbaugh example about how sea levels won't rise because ice cubes melting in a glass don't change the water level in the glass. I've told him that most of the ice is on land, not floating in the sea so when the ice on the land melts, it will cause sea levels to rise. He actually will acknowledge the accuracy of that, but it's like rain water on pavement ----- it doesn't sink in. It's contrary to his worldview. So sometime later he'll say yet again how sea levels won't rise because ice cubes melting in a glass don't change the water level in the glass.  

I've learned it's useless trying to talk facts and sense on certain subjects to him. People, I have always said, have their "crazy buttons" --- if you hit on one of a person's crazy buttons it doesn't matter how rational they are on other subjects, they're completely irrational on that subject. (Though, ironically, the people are unable to recognize their 
irrationality --- they actually think they're being completely the Birthers.) And one of my friend's crazy buttons is right wing politics. He loves to listen to the right wing radio shows, and he never bothers to fact check because what they're saying fits with his worldview; therefore, it must be correct.

So..........this piece is NOT for the Birthers out there. This is their crazy button; they're not interested in facts or logic. If you're a Birther DO NOT read this. And if a Birther does go ahead and read this, do not even bother trying to start a discussion with me on the subject. I recall what Mark Twain had to say about arguing with fools.  

No, this post is for the rest of us as we look at what exactly it means the Birthers believe when they say Obama ("the usurper" as my friend refers to him) was not born in the United States.

Now if Barack Obama was not born in the United States, then both the Certification of Live Birth ("short form" birth certificate) and Certificate of Live Birth ("long form" birth certificate) have to be fake. This means a Birther believes in one of two possible scenarios
  1. When he was a baby, Barack Obama's parents faked his Hawaiian birth.
  2. As an adult Barack Obama, himself, faked his Hawaiian birth.
Either scenario begins the same way.  Barack Obama's 18 year old mother, Ann, for some strange reason, instead of giving birth in a modern hospital where she lives in Honolulu, decides to travel to a village in Kenya and gives birth there on August 4, 1961. This is accomplished without anyone knowing about it. There are no travel records. No one in the village has come forward to say they remember the event.........and it would have been memorable. Perhaps someone should check up on everyone who was living in the village at the time to see if they all suddenly and mysteriously became rich or, you know, died because otherwise someone would have talked by now. Having given birth to this baby on Kenyan soil, she somehow manages to bring the baby home to the U.S. When entering the U.S. even babies are required to have a passport. At the time a child could be added to a parent's passport. (I know because my siblings and I were all on my mother's passport rather than each of us having an individual passport.) So little Barack either had a U.S. passport (an individual passport of his own or a shared passport with his mother) based on his Kenyan birth registered with the U.S. embassy/consulate or he had a passport as a citizen of the United Kingdom and Colonies (UKC) which Kenya was still a part of. Yet none, absolutely none, of these records have come to light. Aren't conspiracy theories wonderful? We've already got one that involves tampering with the record keeping of not one, but two, separate countries.

If Barack Obama was born in Kenya what I just mentioned had to have happened regardless of who faked his birth information.

But let's get into who faked Barack Obama's birth information.....

Scenario 1:
When he was a baby, Barack Obama's parents faked his  Hawaiian birth.

So immediately after returning to Hawaii from Kenya, Barack's mother, Ann, decides for some unknown reason to fake records so it would appear that little Barack was born in Hawaii, not Kenya. Perhaps she was talking to some law school friend who told her that since she was 18 and had not resided in the United States for 5 years after her 14th birthday little Barack might not have birthright U.S. citizenship. For some strange reason, making sure that little Barack has birthright citizenship is extremely important to her. (Perhaps she has a Magic 8 Ball that told her he was going to run for President one day even though it was a time in the country when her marriage wasn't even legal in many states and people with her son's skin color were blocked from even voting in some states, much less running for office. But Ann and her Magic 8 Ball were optimists and could see a vastly different United States 47 years later in which her son could run for President, except, darn it all, she was 18 years old, not 19.) Rather than finding out what the legal status is for children born abroad to U.S. citizens who are under 19, she decides to fake a birth record. So she gets someone at a local hospital to dummy up a set a records that are sent to the Hawaii Department of Health. From there, bureaucracy rolls on. The birth certificate is generated. The Hawaii Department of Health supplies the information of the birth to the Honolulu Advertiser and Honolulu Star Bulletin newspapers in time to be published in the August 13 and 14, 1961, editions. Wow, all that within nine days of giving birth. And most new, young mothers have their hands full just taking care of the baby. This was a girl who could really multi-task.

But, if that happened, both the "short form" and "long form" birth certificates would be authentic documents of the state of Hawaii even though the information they're based on is fake. And Birthers know that the "long form" Certificate of Live Birth released by President Obama in April 2011 is a fake. So this means that Barack's mother, Ann, didn't have anyone at the hospital helping her dummy up records. No, she somehow made a fake Certificate of Live Birth, broke into the Hawaii Department of Health and slipped her fake into the files. (Well, if the fake was done by an 18 year old girl that explains why it's such a poor forgery.)

And afterward, whenever discussing little Barack's birth, his mother remembers to make sure to mention giving birth to her son in a modern hospital as opposed to the difficulty of giving birth to her daughter in primitive conditions in Indonesia. Because, you know, she wouldn't want to expose the plot.

And, believe it or not, that was actually the simpler of the two scenarios.

Scenario 2:  Barack Obama, himself, faked his Hawaiian birth.

If Barack Obama, himself, faked his Hawaiian birth he would also have to have erased any evidence of his Kenyan birth. I don't think he would have had the power or the need to do this until he was a Senator and thinking of running for President. (Actually, I don't think he had the power to do any of this as a Senator, but we've entered the alternate reality known as "Birther World" home of conspiracy theories where things are possible that would have anyone else rolling on the floor laughing their asses off.) Senator Obama is sitting in his office on Capitol Hill one day contemplating becoming President. But how to get around his Kenyan birth? Fortunately for him, in his entire life Obama never told one single person he was born in Kenya even though most people probably would have thought that was cool. But, even though he never told a single solitary person he was born in Kenya, there is evidence of his foreign birth. And he's going to have to deal with it. When he was older Obama traveled out of the country on his own individual passport. If he had a U.S. passport, it would have been based on his documented birth in Kenya. So he'd have to have the State Department records altered. That's if he had a U.S. passport. If he wasn't a U.S. citizen but only a Kenyan citizen (Kenya became independent from the United Kingdom in 1963 at which point he was no longer a UKC citizen) who (maybe) was naturalized at some point that's going to be a disaster. Because now it's not just a matter of having to scrub his Kenyan birth record and his Kenyan passport records and his entry records into the U.S. No, now he's on file with the Immigration and Naturalization Service (which to make matters even more complicated has now been split into three separate government departments and he'd have to figure out which current department has what records); he'd had to have had a visa or gotten status as a permanent resident, and they'd have his naturalization records (if he ever was 
naturalized). Those are just the U.S. government records. There are private records like his college records.........he'd be listed as a foreign student in them -- for every college he attended, that's in three different states. Those would have to be erased as well. Plus, every country he traveled to would have a record of him, Barack Obama, Kenyan citizen, entering those countries. All of that evidence in D.C., California, New York, Massachusetts, Kenya, and any other country Obama set foot in --- if any of it comes out, it would blow his chance to become President. Somehow, Obama pulls off this worldwide conspiracy of evidence scrubbing so effectively that none of it has come out to this day. Wow, Birthers must think President Obama is the smartest, most efficient, best organized man to ever sit in the Oval Office. The Birthers should be thankful the United States has such an effective President.

Having successfully wiped the slate clean of his Kenyan birth, now Obama has to fake records of a Hawaiian birth................
Born in the U.S.A.....So What?

There are Birthers who acknowledge that Obama was born in the U.S., but still don't think he's eligible to be President. (And none of them can explain why an Obama who was born in the US released forged birth certificates instead of the real ones.)

The Indonesian Connection:
They claim Barack Obama lost his U.S. citizenship when his mother married an Indonesian and relocated to Indonesia because of the Nationality Act of 1940. Except the clause they're referring to only applies to people who were married prior to September 22, 1922. Obama's mother wasn't even born in 1922, how could she have been married back then? Was the family car a DeLorean with a flux capacitor?

They claim that Barack Obama gave up his U.S. citizenship and became an Indonesian citizen or his mother did on his behalf since Indonesia does not allow dual citizenship. I don't know about Indonesian law; I do know that under U.S. law a parent cannot renounce U.S. citizenship on behalf of a minor child. Under U.S. law a minor can renounce his or her own U.S. citizenship, but "a person under the age of eighteen must convince a U.S. diplomatic or consular officer that he/she fully understands the nature and consequences of the oath of renunciation, is not subject to duress or undue influence, and is voluntarily seeking to renounce his/her U.S. citizenship." Obama was 10 years old when he left Indonesia. Only a Birther would think a ten year old could convince a U.S. official to let him renounce his citizenship. Plus they keep records when someone renounces. And there's absolutely no evidence that Barack Obama ever did this.

Dual Suspects:
My favorite reason why Barack Obama is disqualified from the presidency even though he was born here is because both of his parents were not U.S. citizens. I don't even know where the hell this one comes from. It's not in the Constitution and not anywhere in U.S. legal code. Someone just pulled this out of their ass. And it smells as bad as what normally comes out of asses. But I love, love, love this one because it applies to me. I was born in the U.S. to a father who was a U.S. citizen and a mother who was not as I mention in my "Anchor Babies Away!" piece. If someone is willing to put up the money, I will run for President in 2012 as an independent candidate here in Florida just so we could have a court case and challenge this all the way up to the Supreme Court and get a definitive ruling.  (If I had the money, I'd pay for it myself, but lawyers and court fees are expensive.)

Obama was ineligible because he has dual citizenship: United States and Kenya. Again this one was pulled out of someone's ass because there's nothing in the law about dual citizenship and running for President. And, anyway, Obama lost his Kenyan citizenship when he turned 23 as Kenya forbids dual citizenship for adults. So from 23 on he was solely a citizen of one country: the United States of America. Now if the fact that you at one time had dual citizenship makes you ineligible to run for President, then this is also one I'd love to personally test. Because I believe I was (for a very brief time) a dual citizen of both the United States and the country my mother was a citizen of. I say a very brief time because my parents did not file the necessary paperwork with the embassy/consulate after my birth, so from then on the only country I was a citizen of was the United States of America. (Not that it matters. I would have lost that second citizenship at age 22. Like Kenya, that other country forbids dual citizenship in adults. I would have had to choose between it and the U.S. Of course, I would have chosen the United States of America.)

He gets someone to hack into the Hawaii Department of Health to add his information so that when he files a request the computer will generate the "short form" birth certificate which he can produce to show he was born in Hawaii.

But that's not good enough for Obama. He's an over-achiever. So he decides for additional authenticity to fake his birth announcement in not one, but two newspapers: Honolulu Advertiser and Honolulu Star Bulletin. When I reflect upon the massively huge problems this caused, I don't see how anyone with common sense would think doing this was worth it. But, apparently, Obama had more ambition than common he had gigantic balls, gigantic balls of steel.

Because when you decide to fake a birth announcement in a decades old newspaper, it's not as simple as just faking up a single page of the paper and sneaking it into the newspaper's archives. You see, whenever I have to research something that's in an old newspaper, I don't go to the newspaper office........I go to the library. Holy shit! Now he's got to have his people break into every library in Hawaii and the rest of the world (including university libraries) that keeps archives of those newspapers. Because otherwise anyone could just walk in off the street, pull up the old paper and see that Barack Obama's birth announcement isn't there. Can't have that. So first Obama has to determine which libraries worldwide have those newspapers in their archives. Next he has to determine if the archive is on actual newspaper (unlikely) or microfiche or microfilm at that particular library. Then he's going to have to duplicate the entire microfiche film or the entire roll of microfilm that has the birth announcement page. (You may be thinking couldn't he just splice the frame into the microfilm roll, but having an identical page of newsprint spliced on every microfilm roll of those papers would give away the cover-up.) Finally, he's going to have to substitute his fakes for the originals.  But once that's done, safe at last..............NOT.

No, not safe. Now the breath holding starts. The sword of Damocles is hanging over his head. Because, what if someone actually decided to keep their copy of the page with the birth announcements!? That page could have the birth announcement of a family member or a god child. Suppose someone who collects newspapers (and there are people who collect newspapers) decides to pull out the paper to check. Suppose someone just happens to find that old page, maybe wrapped around something in a box in the garage.

Faking the birth announcement is predicated upon the idea that not one single hard copy of those newspapers is ever going to show up. Because if it does, it blows this whole scheme out of the water. Yet it's funny how not one single hard copy of the original newspaper without Barack's birth announcement has ever shown up.

Now despite how efficiently Obama's diabolical scheme was carried out, even the best minds can make a single mistake. And Obama did. He forgot about the hard copies of the birth certificates stored in a vault in Hawaii's Department of Health.

Or did he?  In October 2008 the Republican director of Hawaii's Department of Health, Dr. Chiyome Fukino, along with the registrar of vital statistics, Alvin Onaka (party affiliation unknown)
under Hawaii's Republican governor, Linda Lingle, personally went to the vault in the Department of Health and Dr. Fukino said they both saw it......
"Therefore, I as Director of Health for the State of Hawai‘i, along with the Registrar of Vital Statistics who has statutory authority to oversee and maintain these type of vital records, have personally seen and verified that the Hawai‘i State Department of Health has Sen. Obama’s original birth certificate on record in accordance with state policies and procedures,"
(Or read the article Born in the U.S.A. )

But here's where it gets really confusing. Because even though Dr. Fukino claims to have seen the birth certificate in 2008, in 2011 Donald Trump's secret informant told him Obama's birth certificate was missing. Why would it be there in 2008, but not in 2011? Could the 2008 announcement be a Republican Hawaiian conspiracy and Dr. Fukino lied? Or did Trump's secret informant mislead him? Or, maybe, Donald Trump lied? Gasp. Oh no, it couldn't be that!

All we know is that President Barack Obama did not release his Certificate of Live Birth ("long form" birth certificate) until April 2011. But the document that was purported to be his Certificate of Live Birth was obviously a forgery --- and a poorly done one at that. You'd think the President of the United States of America would have access to the best forgers in the country to do something as important as this. Instead his Certificate of Live Birth looks like he could have had his daughters make it on their laptop using Photoshop as a project for family fun night. Perhaps that's Obama's way of thumbing his nose at the Birthers. Instead of doing a fantastic forgery, he deliberately had a poor one done as a way of saying, "Nyah, nyah, nyah!" Because the "birth certificate" didn't fool anyone, well.....anyone smart enough to see through it (i.e. Birthers) for five minutes. One look and they could tell it was a fake. It was a fake, and as my friend even now still says, Obama is a usurper.

Take your pick: the birth records were faked back in 1961 or they were faked recently. Either way, the sequence of events that would have had to have happened is ridiculous. So ridiculous I'm surprised none of the late night talk shows did a re-enactment because it would have made for a hilarious skit.

The only people who wouldn't see the humor in it are the Birthers themselves, but Birthers can't see how ridiculous that sequence of events is. And that's why Birthers are idiots.

Read the Aug 19, 2012, update of this piece for the latest Birther idiocy:
"No One Eligible to Run for U.S. President According to Birthers"

Idiot Birther Certificate

I was thinking about the Birther reasoning that even if you're born here you're not eligible to run for President unless both of your parents are U.S. citizens in terms of my own family history. I'm not a 
genealogist, so I'm pretty vague on my family history. I think my great-grandparents were the first generation to immigrate here. So that would mean their children were the first generation born here, but according to these Birthers that generation wasn't eligible to run for the presidency (unless my great-grandparents had already been naturalized before their births). My American born grandmother made the mistake (sorry, Grandpa -- may you rest in peace) of marrying an immigrant. So none of their kids could run for President either. (Again, unless my grandfather was already naturalized at the time of at least some of their births.) As I said, my American born dad married a citizen of another country; therefore, my generation isn't eligible to be President. So, according to this Birther family's been in this country for well over a hundred years and all three generations of us born here might not be eligible to run for the presidency.

So much for the American dream of immigrants coming to this country, having a baby here and saying above the child's crib, "Just think, one day our baby could be President." Not according to these Birthers.

Seriously, so this is what the Birthers think the Founders had in mind when they wrote that clause in the Constitution? Generation after generation of American born people who aren't eligible to run for President of the country of our birth?  That's American??? I guess it is to these Birthers. Geesh, that is ridiculous and completely idiotic.

If you want to read more about my take on political hot buttons, check out "Social Insecurity" which includes the tale of a man who got approved for Social Security Disability because he was too distracted looking at women's breasts to work or "Anchor Babies Away!!" to read my views on illegal immigration. For something almost as unbelievable as the Birther scenario except it's true, read "7 Scary Things You Didn't Know about Your Pet's Food."

Please take a moment to look around the Archive.



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