Maggie A's Meanderings

 
 

 

 

November 13, 2011

Immortal Death Wish

When a twelve year old boy was excitedly talking to me about the end of one of the Twilight movies, he was telling me about how the girl wanted to be turned into a vampire. I leaned over and whispered to him, "Let me let you in on a secret. Either the vampire wants to become human or the human wants to become a vampire."

My vampire experience dates back to Dark Shadows, Count Chocula and the early days of Sesame Street's Count von Count when he still had the maniacal laugh and weather effects.
Serious vampire movies. Vampire spoofs. Salem's Lot (book and both mini-series). Anne Rice, been there, done that. Bram Stoker, check. Even the rabbit vampire, Bunnicula (first book definitely worth a read, but skip the cartoon). Forever Knight's Nick and Natalie. Then Buffy and Angel. By now I am so bored with vampires that I would rather have my head shoved into a toilet than watch any of the vampire stories airing today (movies or TV). I don't even care if they might actually be good. (Which, I understand, does not describe the Twilight series.) I don't care if they're gory, scary vampires or prissy, glittering ones. I don't care if they're unrepentantly evil vampires or morally suffering vampires.

I don't begrudge the young people nowadays wanting to watch it. They haven't been around long enough to be bored by it. If they reach my age and they're still into it, they'll need to..........shall I say, reexamine their lives.

But what I have never understood, not when I was young and not now, are all the people who fantasize about becoming vampires.

I know. I know. There's the immortality. The eternal youth.

And, oh yeah, the part where vampires are the single wimpiest supernatural creature out there.

Seriously, there is no other supernatural creature with as many weaknesses as vampires.

Wooden stake through the heart or the head
Silver
Iron (also works well in stakes)
Beheading
Fire
Crosses and Crucifixes (When even the shadow of a cross can hurt you, you take the prize for wimpy.)
Communion Host
Holy Water
Garlic
Sunlight (or any artificial light source mimicking sunlight)
Daytime Immobility 
No Reflection --- I know this one isn't dangerous. But what's the point of eternal youth & beauty if you're never going to be able to see yourself again? You're not going to be able to check-out how you look in that outfit, put on make-up or see if you're having a good or bad hair day. (The part where vampires don't cast shadows isn't really an issue. Shadows tend to be noticed in daylight, and a vampire isn't going to be in daylight again or, if it is, it's going to be too busy burning up to care about not casting a shadow.) 
Requiring invitations into people's homes
Not being able to rise if you're turned over so you're face down causing you to dig down into the earth rather than up out of it  (Apparently vampires are stupid.)
Having to sleep in your grave or at least in a coffin filled with dirt from your burial site
Consecrated ground or buildings --- basically anything holy....................It's all vampire bane.

The funniest weakness to me is consecrated ground. Because, especially in the past, cemeteries were consecrated. Most cemeteries were part of a church, therefore, holy ground. People used to actually be buried inside churches. Inside the church was actually the preferred burial site especially for the important people; when they ran out of room underneath the church is when they started burying people outside in the church yard. Under the church or in the church graveyard, either way it means immortal life will last just long enough for the newly "turned" vampires to open their eyes in their casket and scream "AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!" as they burst into flame.

Odds are, I'm going to have a longer lifespan than a vampire.

Immortality?? I think these people secretly have some kind of death wish.


Fate of vampires cartoon

"The (Not So) Great Zombie Apocalypse" is another one of my hard-headed looks at a supernatural creature. For more on movies, there's "The Old Yeller Abyss," "Star Wars, Einstein and When Lucas Got It Right" or take a look around the Archive for more.

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