Honest Apology from
Rush Limbaugh -- An Imagining
In this media environment of non-apology apologies which frequently use
the phrase "If
I offended" when it's obvious the person offended and offended a lot,
Rush Limbaugh's recent forced apology about the Sandra Fluke firestorm
--- an apology Limbaugh has already backpedaled from --- is one of the sorriest I've ever
seen............and not sorry in a good way.
got me to imagining what a genuine apology from Rush Limbaugh would
have sounded like. One where he was honest. One that had a chance in
hell of being accepted as being sincere. Of course, he would still have
only done it to try to stem the tide of lost advertisements. But one
where people could read it and think that Rush was speaking the truth.
So this is my take of what that imaginary statement would have
want to apologize for getting Ms. Fluke's name wrong. Her name is Sandra
not Susan as I called her.
I want to apologize for going on air when I didn't know shit from Shinola on the subject. All I was told was Ms. Fluke testified in front of a
bunch of compassion-fascist Congressmen including that feminazi, Pelosi, about
wanting her birth control pills paid for. I jumped all over that!
just assumed it was so she could have lots of sex. It sounded like a
great story that would play well for my listeners where I could pretend
to get all upset and rant and rave and foam at the mouth about it. I
didn't give a rat's ass what the actual facts were.
now that I've been forced to read Ms. Fluke's
I see she never actually mentioned her sex life at all.
(What a disappointment.) She never even
wanting birth control just to keep from getting knocked up. (Even
though you know
that's why a lot of those tramps want it --- so I wasn't the only one
who was slanting things; so why everyone is
such a hard time?) Instead she focused on the expense of
birth control and then mentioned cases of birth control prescribed for
medical conditions besides just preventing pregnancy. Is my face red. I'm
sorry that somehow I managed to reach 61 years old still being so
ignorant that I never knew birth control pills were used for
actual medical conditions. Now that I do, maybe birth control pills should be
medication covered by insurance just like all the Oxy I took.
I'm sorry I confused how birth control pills work with how the
pills I take for my limp dick work. You see, what with all the drugs I
did and a lifetime of greasy food and not getting any
exercise plus the smoking, my little buddy can't go
to work without a chemical jump start. But it works great after that.
I'm a stevedore in the sack once those pills kick in. (I just wanted
all of you to know that.) I thought that sluts, excuse me, I mean the
that men have sex with only needed to take birth control pills when
they're going to have sex. I didn't know they're supposed to take one
birth control pill every day even if they're not having sex at all.
I apologize for completely misconstruing what Ms. Fluke had to
say. Again, now that I've actually bothered to take the time to
acquaint myself with her testimony, I see she wasn't asking for
government to buy her birth control pills, she was asking
companies to cover them the same as they cover other
medication prescribed by a physician to their patients ---- like my
oxycodone, my hydrocodone and my Viagra®.
I'm sorry for the insulting and degrading names I called Ms.
Fluke and for suggesting that she release sex tapes. In my defense, Ms.
Fluke is cute and even though I wanted to see a sex tape of her ---
because I think of all babes
girls as second class citizens and
sexual objects --- I should have kept that to myself or between me
and my best buds or the ass kissers I surround myself with. I should
have said it on the radio. Since I did, as soon as I'm through
with this apology, I'm going to video myself washing out the mouth of
my producer with Lava
® soap for
five full minutes and post it to YouTube
because this situation sure isn't my
secretly I'm relieved that Congress is hearing testimony about
legitimate medical conditions and their treatment rather than
investigating other medication related issues like prescription drug
abuse. What's in my medicine cabinet is no one else's business as long
as my carefully shopped for doctors prescribed it and my insurance paid
for it. Besides, I don't want to have the ACLU file a legal
brief on my behalf again. I'm supposed to hate those flaming dicks; it's
embarrassing I crawled into bed with them when it looked like I might
go to prison because I was a junkie. I know I said, "And so if people
are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they
ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up" but
when I said
"people" I meant other
people, not me. Since I'm a rich, white guy, I get to
break the law and only pay a fine and do rehab.................not get
summary, let me say:
sorry. I was wrong. I will never again speak in complete and total
ignorance on this particular topic. Though I reserve the right to spew
money-making, ignorant, hate speech on any other topic that won't cost
me advertisers (the ungrateful cocksuckers), get me condemned by the
leadership of my own party (the backstabbing cowards) or cause a
national backlash (fomented by the pinko-lib media).
You might enjoy "The Notebooks of Maggie A" Part One and Part Two.
For more of my political views read "Impeach Them All," "4 Proposed Amendments to the US Constitution,"
"Why "Birthers" Are Idiots," "Anchor Babies Away!" or "Social Insecurity." Though this
site has a lot more non-political pieces than political
ones. Please take a moment to check-out the Archive.