Maggie A's Meanderings

 
 

 

 

 March 8, 2012

Honest Apology from Rush Limbaugh -- An Imagining


In this media environment of non-apology apologies which frequently use the phrase "If I offended" when it's obvious the person offended and offended a lot, Rush Limbaugh's recent forced apology about the Sandra Fluke firestorm --- an apology Limbaugh has already backpedaled from --- is one of the sorriest I've ever seen............and not sorry in a good way.

That got me to imagining what a genuine apology from Rush Limbaugh would have sounded like. One where he was honest. One that had a chance in hell of being accepted as being sincere. Of course, he would still have only done it to try to stem the tide of lost advertisements. But one where people could read it and think that Rush was speaking the truth.

So this is my take of what that imaginary statement would have been...................


First, I want to apologize for getting Ms. Fluke's name wrong. Her name is Sandra, not Susan as I called her.

Second, I want to apologize for going on air when I didn't know shit from Shinola on the subject. All I was told was Ms. Fluke testified in front of a bunch of compassion-fascist Congressmen including that feminazi, Pelosi, about wanting her birth control pills paid for. I jumped all over that! I just assumed it was so she could have lots of sex. It sounded like a great story that would play well for my listeners where I could pretend to get all upset and rant and rave and foam at the mouth about it. I didn't give a rat's ass what the actual facts were.

Third, now that I've been forced to read Ms. Fluke's testimony, I see she never actually mentioned her sex life at all. (What a disappointment.) She never even mentioned hot coeds wanting birth control just to keep from getting knocked up. (Even though you know that's why a lot of those tramps want it --- so I wasn't the only one who was slanting things; so why everyone is giving me such a hard time?) Instead she focused on the expense of birth control and then mentioned cases of birth control prescribed for medical conditions besides just preventing pregnancy. Is my face red. I'm sorry that somehow I managed to reach 61 years old still being so ignorant that I never knew birth control pills were used for actual medical conditions. Now that I do, maybe birth control pills should be medication covered by insurance just like all the Oxy I took.

Fourth, I'm sorry I confused how birth control pills work with how the pills I take for my limp dick work. You see, what with all the drugs I did and a lifetime of greasy food and not getting any exercise plus the smoking, my little buddy can't go to work without a chemical jump start. But it works great after that. I'm a stevedore in the sack once those pills kick in. (I just wanted all of you to know that.) I thought that sluts, excuse me, I mean the women that men have sex with only needed to take birth control pills when they're going to have sex. I didn't know they're supposed to take one birth control pill every day even if they're not having sex at all.

Fifth, I apologize for completely misconstruing what Ms. Fluke had to say. Again, now that I've actually bothered to take the time to acquaint myself with her testimony, I see she wasn't asking for the federal government to buy her birth control pills, she was asking for insurance companies to cover them the same as they cover other medication prescribed by a physician to their patients ---- like my oxycodone, my hydrocodone and my Viagra®.

Sixth, I'm sorry for the insulting and degrading names I called Ms. Fluke and for suggesting that she release sex tapes. In my defense, Ms. Fluke is cute and even though I wanted to see a sex tape of her --- because I think of all babes girls as second class citizens and sexual objects --- I should have kept that to myself or between me and my best buds or the ass kissers I surround myself with. I should never have said it on the radio. Since I did, as soon as I'm through with this apology, I'm going to video myself washing out the mouth of my producer with Lava® soap for five full minutes and post it to YouTube because this situation sure isn't my fault.

Seventh, secretly I'm relieved that Congress is hearing testimony about legitimate medical conditions and their treatment rather than investigating other medication related issues like prescription drug abuse. What's in my medicine cabinet is no one else's business as long as my carefully shopped for doctors prescribed it and my insurance paid for it. Besides, I don't want to have the ACLU file a legal brief on my behalf again. I'm supposed to hate those flaming dicks; it's embarrassing I crawled into bed with them when it looked like I might go to prison because I was a junkie. I know I said, "And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up" but when I said "people" I meant other people, not me. Since I'm a rich, white guy, I get to break the law and only pay a fine and do rehab.................not get sent up.

In summary, let me say:
I'm sorry. I was wrong. I will never again speak in complete and total ignorance on this particular topic. Though I reserve the right to spew money-making, ignorant, hate speech on any other topic that won't cost me advertisers (the ungrateful cocksuckers), get me condemned by the leadership of my own party (the backstabbing cowards) or cause a national backlash (fomented by the pinko-lib media).

Rush Limbaugh's apology greeting card to Sandra Fluke and the country
Photo of flowers by Joshua Veitch-Michaelis from Leamington Spa, England (Dead flowers, Pére Lachaise Cemetery)
[CC-BY-SA-2.0 (www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons


You might enjoy "The Notebooks of Maggie A" Part One and Part Two.

For more of my political views read "Impeach Them All," "4 Proposed Amendments to the US Constitution," "Why "Birthers" Are Idiots," "Anchor Babies Away!" or "Social Insecurity." Though this site has a lot more non-political pieces than political ones. Please take a moment to check-out
the Archive.

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